Internal Family Systems (or IFS) is one of my absolute favorite models of talk therapy. Much like explaining EMDR, it is tough to do IFS justice without a devoted webpage and FAQ page! So, here we go. What is IFS?

IFS is founded on the research showing that the human brain processes information in multiple areas - almost like “cities” of processing along the neural pathways. These “cities” are interconnected, but seem to operate independently of one another as well. Think of how Nashville and Chicago are connected by roads, but are independent cities from one another. We interpret our experiences through multiple cities of understanding within our brain.

How does this all play out within us? This means our personalities have sub-personalities, which IFS calls “Parts” of us. We all develop these Parts throughout our story, starting in childhood and on into adulthood. Here are some truths about our Parts:

  • The quantity and the quality of these Parts all depend on our individual stories.

  • The non-extreme intention of every Part is something positive for the individual - every Part is trying to help, even Parts of us that play out as very unhelpful in our lives

  • As we develop, our Parts develop and form a complex system of interactions among themselves - they are like an internal family of Parts within us, relating to one another and relating to the individual

  • We cannot - and we should not want to - get rid of any Part in the system. As previously mentioned, every Part has a good intention. No Part is inherently bad.

  • Activated Parts can be experienced in all sorts of ways: thoughts & inner voices, feelings & emotions, images such as a memory, energy & sounds such as the energy of personal space or the sound of the wind, physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches, sensations such as blushing or tunnel vision

There are three major categories an individual’s Parts may fall under, depending on their function and intention:

  • Exiles

    • Young Parts that have experienced trauma and often become isolated from the rest of the system in an effort to protect the individual

    • Can become increasingly extreme and desperate in an effort to be cared for and tell their story

    • Can leave the individual feeling fragile and vulnerable

    • Examples of Exiles are Parts that may be hurt, needy, lonely, insecure, rejected, sad, hopeless, feel worthless, feel abandoned, feel shame

  • Managers

    • Parts that run the day-to-day life of the individual

    • Attempt to keep the individual in control of every situation and every relationship in an effort to protect Exiles from becoming activated

    • Examples of Managers are Parts that may be strivers, taskers, planners, organizers, caretakers, inner critics, spiritualizers, perfectionists, intellectualizers, people pleasers, class clowns, etc.

  • Firefighters

    • Parts that react when Exiles are activated, who attempt to control and extinguish the Exile activation

    • Can do this in any number of ways, including drug or alcohol use, self-mutilation (cutting), binge-eating, impulse shopping, sleeping, sarcasm, body pain, fantasizing, etc.

    • Have the same goals as Managers (to keep Exiles away) but different strategies

    • Firefighter Parts are typically the “symptoms” my clients are initially coming to therapy to get rid of

Along with Parts within an individual is the person’s Core Self, which is not a “Part” but is instead the true essence of the individual. There are several c-word adjectives that describe a person’s Core Self:

  • Calm

  • Compassionate

  • Centered

  • Creative

  • Curious

  • Courageous

  • Connected

  • Confident

**Sometimes a few Parts within a person can be a few of the c-words listed above, but a Part is never all of these things. For example, a Part of someone may be calm and creative, but not courageous and/or compassionate. A Part may be confident and connected, but lack curiosity or calmness. A person’s Core Self can be all of these things at once - Parts cannot. This distinction can be helpful when going through Parts identification work.

The goal of therapy within the IFS model is to identify, honor, and re-organize my client’s Parts in relation to the Core Self. We want the client’s Core Self to lead the system and run the show. When the client notices a Part of them getting activated (i.e. defensiveness), the client will ideally stay “in Self” as they calmly notice the activation, get curious about what the Part wants them to know (i.e. “I’m feeling judged”), and respond to the situation appropriately as the Self, not letting the Part take full control of the experience (i.e. responding with “This is making me want to get defensive, so let’s change the subject or dial down the intensity,” instead of letting the Part say, “Well you’re one to talk, buddy, remember what you did in Vegas last year?”).

ifs faq

Here are my most frequently asked questions about Internal Family Systems that aren’t answered in the above description:

  • This sounds like Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder)…how is this different?

    • From this neurological framework, a person who meets the criteria for a DID diagnosis is someone who has experienced enough complex trauma in their lives to result in disintegration within their system - their internal family is not integrated with one another or with the Core Self. Think of that Nashville and Chicago example I gave above, and imagine only one dirt road connecting the two metropolises rather than a highway and surrounding roads. Persons with DID have a fractured system with intensified Parts to help the person survive the world they live in. Most of us reside in a more integrated, normative realm with our internal family system, but it is an internal family system nonetheless!

  • How does this therapy model play out in therapy sessions?

    • We start with Parts work, identifying the client’s Parts and getting a feel for the client’s Parts process in day-to-day life. Sometimes we are able to identify aspects of the client’s Core Self early on in this work, sometimes that aspect of discovery takes longer. Regardless, we do a lot of discovery in the beginning, and I assign homework to start practicing Parts identification in real time for the client in between sessions. As clients get to know their Parts over time, we then dive deeper into each Part’s “worldview”. How old does that Part feel, and how old does that Part seem to think the client is? What does that Part believe about the world, about the client, about other people? What purpose does that Part try to serve? Where does the client experience that Part in their body when it is active? From here we learn how to show compassion and honor to each Part, while maintaining boundaries in how far we let the Part express itself through the client.

  • How does a person start treating their Parts differently over time?

    • Let’s say you’ve done the work, you know your Parts, and you are gaining traction in navigating life through your Core Self most of the time. Now, let’s say someone says something to you that triggers a Firefighter of yours, Anger. You immediately feel hot, your chest hurts, you imagine yourself yelling at this person, and all of this happens in a matter of a few seconds. Since you’ve done the work, you know this is Anger taking the stage, ready to defend you and ready to make you feel empowered. And since you’ve done your work, you know Anger shows up to protect you from your Exiles of feeling belittled, feeling pushed around, and feeling powerless in your past. This person in front of you has made those Exiles activate, and Anger is here to shut it down fast. Since you’ve done your work, you know Anger is what did indeed make you feel empowered and strong when you finally stood up for yourself in your past, Anger helped you see that you deserved better, and Anger got you out of toxic connections that weren’t serving you well. Anger is a war hero of sorts, for you. You are thankful for Anger. And since you’ve done your work, you’re staying “in Self” and can calmly assess the current situation. Let’s say this person in front of you said something tactlessly, but not maliciously. You are still safe, strong, and stable. You don’t need Anger to take the reins completely. What next? You acknowledge Anger, and internally say, “I’ll come back to you, friend.” If the context is appropriate, maybe you chat about the tactless comment made with this person in front of you in an honest, grounded, respectful way. Or maybe you stay silent. Regardless, when you have a free solo moment to do so, you circle back to Anger within you. The conversation may go something like this: “Anger I see you, I hear you, and I thank you for doing all you have done to keep me safe. You have truly saved my life in the past. You are a trusted consultant of mine, and I respect your perspective. What did you hear that person say, and why did it upset you so much?” Then you let Anger vent their rage about the who/what/why, listening calmly out of your Core Self. Maybe you respond with something like, “If all of that were true, I promise you I would’ve let you step in and do what you do best. But I promise you, that isn’t the whole picture, and that person was not all of the bad things you think they were. But they did step out of line, and you showed me that. Thank you.” And maybe you circle back to your activated Exiles, the ones who carry your memories of feeling belittled and powerless. You can say something like, “I’m so sorry you have felt this way, and I’m so sorry you didn’t have the tools to navigate the situation at the time. We have those tools now; we know how to be strong. That means you never have to feel this way again, even in the face of unhealthy relationships. You’re okay. No matter what. I’ve got you.” And then you go about your day. :)

  • That sounds like A LOT to navigate all day, every day when Parts are activated…will it ever get simpler than that?

    • The more you practice it, the quicker it gets. The above scenario can play out in literally minutes, if you do your work!

  • What if I have trouble identifying all of my Parts?

    • This comes easier for some, and I see it as a gauge for your current level of body intelligence. We are zooming in on very nuanced aspects of you - that takes some precise awareness skills! Don’t fret, we have a lot of tools in our toolbox for increasing your ability to notice and observe yourself. As long as you are open to the process and leaning into difficult things, you’ll do great. The fact that you’d already be doing therapy is a testament to your willingness in those areas!

  • Is this therapy model a good fit for everyone?

    • Some would say yes, I would say no. This is not a good fit for those who struggle with intuitive exploration - it would be like learning a new language entirely. We’d be building up to IFS just as long as we’d be diving into IFS, which is not an efficient use of your time in my office. I’d rather find a model that “feels” better to you and how you’re wired if IFS sounds like a foreign language. I typically go the Narrative route for those who don’t gel with IFS.

  • When you described the Core Self, I couldn’t remember a time where I was all of those things at once. What does that mean?

    • People who feel lost around their Core Self are commonly those who needed to lean into their protective Parts heavily while growing up. This does not mean you lack a Core Self, it most likely means your story is deeply painful - and that is not your fault. We can identify your Parts and their functions, work toward honoring them, set boundaries with them, and see what’s left within you. Who are you when there is no threat, there is no pain, there is no fear? I suspect your Core Self will surface over time to you within this work.

  • What if I have a Part that feels too useful to give up?

    • Oh, how I hear you on this one. Most of us have a Part or few that are highly effective at meeting our needs (on one level). I think it’s important to remember that IFS does not want you to squash or annihilate any of your Parts. They have served you well, and we live in a broken world that demands survival skills every now and then. We simply want your Parts to be sitting next to you while you navigate situations, not taking over. We want that useful Part of you to consult you on what to do, while you remain “in Self” and remember that Parts are based on your story, not on reality. They cannot grasp the full picture like your Core Self can. This means that Parts meet our needs on one level, but fail us over time on other levels. They are not the full picture, the full solution, the well-rounded lifestyle. Therefore, don’t give up that useful Part! However, I encourage you to get curious about putting that Part in a more helpful, more balanced place in your system through IFS work.

  • You mentioned Parts can serve us on one level and not on another - do you have an example?

    • Let’s say you have a charming Part of you that can make friends with anyone. You’re the life of the party, you are sought after for your ease of company and your sense of humor. This Part of you makes sure you are liked and well-connected with others. All of this sounds wonderful, right? Well, let’s say you find yourself in a season of depression - something feels off, you’re sad without knowing why, and you feel fatigued all of the time. That charming Part of you is still going to do their thing, putting out the front that everything is great, because that’s all this Part of you knows what to do for connection. And that Part of you is so used to taking the wheel in relationships, it doesn’t know how to let a more authentic or vulnerable voice take the stage. And this Part attracts so many fans, you’re not sure who is a real friend when sh*t hits the fan and things get real. So you feel even more lonely when you’re with others, the way drinking salt water to quench thirst only makes you more thirsty. This is how a Part can serve us well on one level, but not on another level.

  • How will I know when I’ve completed IFS work?

    • If you are my client and we navigate IFS in my office, we will be looking for the ability to identify your Parts in real time. I’ll be able to ask you, “What Part of you am I talking with right now?” and you’ll be able to answer that question. The hope is to get you to a place where your answer is something like, “My Core Self, with Manager X and/or Manager Y close by just in case.” You will have more and more examples in between sessions of navigating situations out of your Core Self, with Parts of you getting activated but held in their appropriate places. I will hear more compassion in your language around your Parts. You will no longer feel distress around how you handle yourself. Once you feel like IFS is maintaining work you’ve already done, you have “completed” IFS work in the context of therapy!